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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Del, Sukoshi and I went to Lowes...

Del, Sukoshi and I went to Lowe’s…

Lowe’s is awesome about us bringing in the dog while we shop. When we walk in the door with her, they always welcome her and tell us that if she potties anywhere, let them know and they will clean it up for us.

We told them she pooped in front of my office door, but nobody ever showed up to clean it up. :/

Anyway, we were shopping for stuff and we were in there for a couple of hours.

Just so you know, when you are remodeling your home (hitch or not), going to Lowe’s or Home Depot excites you more than going to dinner, the movies or, ah…you know, things that excite you.

This was our big Friday night.

I carried Sukoshi the entire time because when Del tried to hold her, she climbed him like a mountain to see where I was and what I was doing.

I know this isn’t a good thing. Hell, even in her vet records it says she is a spoiled brat. (Her permanent record!) We are working on it. We are just failing at it miserably.

Did you see that little face? I’m totally puppy-whipped.

Del and I were getting ready to check out and walked to the front of the store, near the restrooms. He went in first while Sukoshi and I stood and waited.

Just before that, I tested to see just how far I could actually push Del before he snapped. It wasn’t intentional and I didn’t even realize I was doing it until he came out of the bathroom.

See, we went to Lowe’s because we needed primer for the bedroom. While we were there, we picked out a bedroom light.

Then when we were walking away, I decided I hated it and we had to walk back to pick out a different one, which we did.

I don’t think we even got to the end of the isle before I hated that one too.

I continued to pick out –then hate – about 8 different light fixtures.

Seriously, I did. Towards the end I was really trying to like each one I picked out but I just couldn’t. I kept thinking up different reasons why that light would suck the life out of me and I would simply die if it was in the bedroom.

I don’t even want a freaking light in the bedroom ceiling. I’d actually prefer not to have any light in the bedroom at all, to be perfectly honest with you. What is he looking at in there? Nothing I want to be showing under ceiling lighting, thanks.

But Del won’t let me install pen lights and we have to put something up there because there are wires dangling out of it now.

So when Del came out of the restroom, I was sure he was going to have himself a full-blown bad spell when I said I hated the light fixture that we had and we needed to go back and look again.

He didn’t, but that could be because I shoved Sukoshi at him and bailed for the restroom myself.

Nobody can get pissed-off when they are holding a puppy.

Del is puppy-whipped too.

I spent a normal amount of time in the restroom for a restroom visit. I came out to see my husband standing in the middle of a sea of blonds.

Next time I hand him a puppy, I’m handing him a rape whistle too.

That really didn’t bother me too much. What bothered me was there was NO PUPPY in his arms.

I guess what happened was the first girl walked over to him and said;

“Oh look at the…”

And Del shoved Sukoshi at her and said;

“Here.”

Handing the puppy to the first person who admires her is NOT proper puppy care. If someone handed me a puppy and said “here”, I’d assume it was a freaking gift.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t stop and fix my hair or something in the restroom. I might be sitting here puppy-less if I had.

Is it possible to teach a dog to scream “fire” in the event of an unintentional give-away?

Okay, so we all went back to the lighting isle and I picked out a 9th light. I took forever picking it out, but I was so sure that the light I picked out would be just fine.

Until we got it home and took it out of the box.

It seems I picked out an enormous breast.

I’ll post a picture but it may not be safe for work. It’s an enormous breast – which is a form of pornography, right?

So I was talking to my daughter Nikki on the phone about my enormous breast-light and she said “Well, you can balance it out with something phallic.”

“Huh? What the hell is that?” I asked.

“Seriously? You don’t know that word?” She asked while laughing at me. Curt apparently had just walked in the door from work while we were talking and she asked him “If I asked you if my mother would know what ‘phallic’ meant, would you think she would know that?”

Why, yes. Curt felt I would know that word too.

The two COLLEGE graduates sure give the high-school DROP-OUT a lot of fucking credit, don’t they?

“Mom, you are the dirtiest person we know.” Nikki said, still laughing at me. “That is a word you should know.”

So it’s a dirty word? Well, I think I know a few people that can go phallic their selves then. ((MUWAH))

“Why do YOU know the word?” I asked while trying to dig out my laptop to commit a Google.

“You might not want to Google that. You’ll get pictures of penis shaped things.” She said.

“Okay, that certainly isn’t a deterrent. Now I’m looking forward to my Google.” I said and googled anyway.

Oh, that might be why I’m the dirtiest person they know.

“You know who Sigmund Freud is, right?” She asked while I Google the word and penis-shaped pictures popped up all over the place.

“Yeah, he’s the guy that did a lot of cocaine.” I answered.

“Mom, seriously...” Nikki said.

“I’m being serious. That’s what I know about him. He was a coke-head. Actually, he was a dealer too.”

College kids. Are they teaching them anything?

I guess ‘phallic’ is a word the coke-head came up with. I half-heard Nikki’s explanation, I had a computer screen full of penis shaped things.

Is it sad that I need to be able to Google to talk to any of my kids anymore? Nah, don’t be a phallic; my goal was always for them to be smarter than me.

“Well, you could paint a budda on the ceiling around the light. You’d have a budda baby ceiling.” Nikki suggested in an attempt try and help me design the room around my enormous breast light.

“No, that won’t work either. My enormous breast light has a huge nipple in the middle of it.” I told her.

Because it does! You’ll see. I’ll post a picture soon.

LYMI!